Once bitten you always carry the venom within you. The strength is that the initial bite was overcome healed even. The venom however remains present waiting for a moment of weakness to overcome and devour. I must say it's amazing how far the ego will go to tear apart certain thoughts and knowings. It amazes me how far the ego will travel to make one feel embarrassed about the necessary next phase one has to go into. Due to the stigma of addiction one tends to desire to hide it from the world looking at as a weakness. The problem here is when that addiction is created due to the necessity to survive it still gives the same result. As I said the venom never leaves you. In the moments that I'd feel the pain subside and the morphine take effect I was also very conscious of the familiar feeling that accompanied it. That little smirk that appears in the corner of my mouth because yet again I get to taste the venom. In private I've been very vocal about how I have to ignore the effects of the morphine currently and fight the bigger demon. To look at it from the perspective of although I'm doing harm it's justified. The process of detox has to begin and I have to start pushing myself to see if the pain becomes overwhelming or not. With the crotch I'll never know I'm with the crutch it renders me utterly useless in my day-to-day affairs. I feel as though I'm trapped within a body that won't respond with a million voices screaming constantly in my mind. Terrified to die only because of the mess I would leave behind for others. For the void that it would leave in those who are important to me is lives. My soul is old and tired and this has been a difficult battle. I have a lot in my past that I'm not proud of. My intent was always genuinely good but sometimes we get lost in the details of life and act inappropriately. I've always stood within my own integrity and the person that I've disappointed is myself constantly. I can see across the span of my life with a different understanding now. I am very aware of the moments when I made decisions based in desperation or loneliness ignoring my own better judgment. See it's always easier to sacrifice oneself because we all feel that we're strong enough to Bear the weight. So I've stood within my personal integrity and if this is karma for my past actions I will accept every bit of it. I am at a loss to understand how I am still here. I'm thankful for every day and yet I still feel as a boat without a rudder like the wind drives my sale but with no direction. Lost in the fog of self pity depression and loneliness created by the circumstances I tailored for myself. Isn't that the kicker.
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